Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Yup
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.