Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too