One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
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Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Thrilling chase underway