The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Note to self: always read the final line
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant