The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners