“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii