When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Pringles
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.