We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
This headline is a thing of beauty
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night