When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
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The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Most fashion shows these days…
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.