My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.