Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
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Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Just say no
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis