if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
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[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay