Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
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“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails