My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*