He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
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When your best mate counts as a desk too
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla