Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
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I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*