You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Hot hot hot 🥵
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried