Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I wish this was real life…
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
The Birdles