My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.