me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I said we supposed to be saving our money.