I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I just ran a .003048K
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.