My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*