I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
You Might Also Like
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
fixed it
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.