All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Does beer think about me too?
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times