[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like