If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
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My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough