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I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
9: Donât break anyoneâs heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I donât think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. Iâm on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and itâs all my fault.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and Iâll end you.
“I don’t even own a book” â Medieval Hipster
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Millennials complain a lot about how we canât afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didnâtâŚlike GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they âcanât make it to the phone right now.â You carry the phone with you. Itâs the only constant in your life
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
âNothing from my side, thanksâ – My wedding vows
me: lord if youâre up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that couldâve been anyone
Sorry Iâm late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughterâs hair for 25 minutes
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.