So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
You Might Also Like
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Bruh PLEASE
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.