“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
i hate you platonically
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?