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AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.