Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
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My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)