WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.