The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host