*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
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It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
guys i’ve cracked the code
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?