Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Every house has this drawer
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”