My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.