Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
You Might Also Like
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
real
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.