I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My teenage children choosing violence
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
haha same
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
😆this is so true
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in