talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer