The A string on my guit_r is flat
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“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Boating season is upon us.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.