The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.