Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
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GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days