{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer: