The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!