“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.