‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
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Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
classic mixup
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.