GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Seek kebab; not attention
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful