A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.