I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.