If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
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Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.